Michelle's Parenting Ramblings

As I've mentioned before, American parenting is really different from Japanese parenting. Japanese children, from our perspective and from what we have read, are really pampered. Aggression from boys is not only tolerated, but also often encouraged. Tantrums are sometimes met with laughter, and I don't think I've ever seen a Japanese child punished. At pre-school, the boys are allowed to fight with swords, as long as they hit each other gently. It's not at all unusual to see very small children playing with very realistic-looking toy guns. Strangers give children candy all the time. It's really a different world.

At some point in a child's life, things change. I know they do, because the middle school students don't act like spoiled brats. They are all quite pleasant and I really enjoy each and every one of them. So what happens? I'm not sure. I think there is just something about the way Japanese culture/society is that eventually teaches children what kind of behavior is expected and what behaviors are not going to be tolerated. This is not a phenomenon, I think, present in American culture. Aaron and I feel quite strongly that if we don’t teach Ridge and Holt what is appropriate behavior, starting now, then nobody else will.

I’ve had several conversations with folks here about parenting and children. On multiple occasions, we have been told that we are very “strict”. Hopefully this is not meant as a negative comment; I find it difficult to believe anyone would openly criticize us. Twice, these comments have followed a situation where I had a disagreement with Ridge or Holt regarding what I considered rude behavior.

For example, if Ridge is going to refuse to say thank you when people give him treats during my adult English class, then he will not be allowed to come. If Holt throws juice across a dinner table and nearly hits the Mayor of the village, he will not be allowed to continue sitting at the table. Makes sense, don’t you think? Personally, I think Aaron and I are pretty middle-of-the-road disciplinarians. In fact, sometimes we are probably more lax than others of our generation or the generations before us. Upon witnessing the above-mentioned behaviors, an American mother might empathize with me, or, if she is a friend, offer an example from her own life and how she dealt with it. Non-parent Americans might especially expect me to “whip those kids into shape”. However, here in Japan, my handling of those situations resulted in surprised reactions. In fact, I may have made a couple of people uncomfortable because of how I was talking sternly to Ridge, letting him know it’s not okay to ignore people when they give him a treat. I think Japanese parents let these things slide a lot more than we do. They were so surprised by my behavior that I think they must parent a great deal differently.

Saturday involved a situation where Ridge was chasing the love of his life, Aiko, with the wooden sword we gave him for his birthday. Mind you, that sword came with certain rules, one of them being, “Don’t chase/hit/attack other people with the sword or it will go to time-out”. Not only was he breaking the rule, he was frightening a guest in our house, which is a big ‘no-no’ in our home. Aaron and I both proceeded to address the situation. Ridge began to cry and basically fall apart in front of the other mothers. I began to feel uncomfortable, but not because of Ridge’s behavior, as I would have been in the U.S. No, I was uncomfortable because Aaron and I were attempting to deal with Ridge’s behavior in a situation that would probably be ignored by a Japanese parent. I think it takes a lot of courage for us to parent the way we think best in a country where things are so different. Sometimes I feel like an ogre.

Anyway, Ridge was so upset because he insisted his teacher was teaching him to hit people gently with the sword. I found myself in a situation that was very much the reverse of what one would find in the States: “Ridge, it might be okay to hit gently at school…and I believe that you can be gentle….but in our house we have different rules. In our house, you cannot hit or chase people with your sword.” Not a statement I ever thought I would make. Most kindergarten teachers that I know really discourage aggressive play-fighting in their rooms.

I’ve also explained to others why we don’t let the boys play with toy guns. Here in Japan, there are no rules like the ones in the U.S. dictating that toys guns must NOT look real. I told my adult English class (eikawa class) that many children in America have been killed accidentally, when a police officer or other person thought the child was threatening them with a real gun. It’s disturbing to me to see three-year olds pretending to shoot each other with realistic-looking hand guns. But, gun ownership is a very, very rare thing here, and handguns are pretty much illegal for the general public. Thus, children are rarely exposed to real guns, and the danger of playing with them is minimal. I had to explain to my eikawa class that many children in the U.S. are killed as a result of playing with guns. Since Aaron and I own guns, we feel strongly that the boys need to understand that guns are tools, not toys. We take gun safety education very seriously. So, I nearly had a heart attack when Holt came home from Ruuya’s house one day with a noisy toy semi-automatic machine gun. It quickly found a home in the topmost part of our closet!

Before we came to Nishiokoppe, we read books and books about the food, customs, social interactions, language, etc. We knew that there were many things for which we could not prepare ourselves and that only time could do that. Parenting, though, took me by surprise. I never thought it would be such an amazing challenge to be a family in another country.